As much as I have a strong attitude of gratitude and I focus on positivity, self-compassion and self-acceptance I find myself sometimes battling with relentless gremlins who enjoy starting some self-doubt fires.
They are awful and cruel. They want to multiply and take over and it’s at these times that I find myself constantly noticing yet another spot fire they have started which I need to attend to before it rages out of control.
The battle between my thoughts themselves is tiresome. I am not only a witness to the exchange but I experience the ongoing duel. Both sides proud when they strike another blow to the other. It exhausts me.
We all have bad days. You’re not immune. I’m not immune.
It drains me to feel it and to witness it. Sometimes, depending on many other factors I am the best firefighter – in fact I jump on those little bastards when there is merely an ember (or a whiff of something that may start one).
But then there are days like today.
I’ve got nothing left to fight with. I try to put out the spot fires but I feel like I only just finish extinguishing one, then turn around to realise there are another 10 in its place.
These fires do a bit of damage. They singe the edges or make black marks that serve as a reminder that I wasn’t able to fight as well today. A memory of not only being incapable but a memory of what the battle was about…what particular self-doubt the gremlins chose to set fire to.
Today it was about physical appearance and I know it was triggered by a variety of things but the main emotions I felt were disappointment, disgust, embarrassment and shame. Along came the gremlins and off they went with reckless abandon, throwing around a range of other self-doubts which were related and others completely unrelated.
Off they went lighting fires wherever they chose and I couldn’t do it… I just couldn’t do it.
‘I surrender’ I said.
You got me.
Today you win.
You win the battle but NOT the war. You don’t get to win that.
Because I am stronger than you little shits.
I know you are small. I know you are temporary. I KNOW I win the war.
I surrendered. I felt defeated for a time. I felt the discomfort and it wasn’t pleasant.
It happens though. And I know it doesn’t mean I won’t win. I will. It means I don’t want to fight today. I will regroup, refocus and fight later.
Now, time for that self compassion.